Stewie's Home Alone
by FG writer
Summary: Family Guy' parody of 'Home Alone'. The Griffins are going to Florida....but they forgot Stewie! Now they'll have to go back to get him. But will baby Stewie be able to take care of himself, until his family arrives? Written on 24th December, 2004


_**Stewie's Home Alone**_

_**Written by: FG writer**_

_**(This script contains material that the reader may be offended by, especially if you are sensitive to foul language, or issues regarding race, sex, religion, or violence. For those who are offended, please realize two things: 1. My 'Family Guy' scripts only display the fact that I know what the 'Family Guy' audience will laugh at, and NOT what my way of thinking/beliefs are. 2. Typical 'Family Guy' humor is edgy and sometimes controversial by nature, so of course this fanfic will be the same. Parts in bold text are the main scenes of the episode. Parts in non-bold text are sequences showing a flashback/daydream/TV clip/movie clip/commercial/scene-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-the-main-story/etc. Words that have short dashes within them e.g. I-I-I think that/Y-you know indicate natural stuttering, something 'Family Guy' has that most cartoons don't.)**_

**(Outside shot of the Griffins' house)**

**(Stewie's sitting on the living room couch, watching TV. Then Brian enters the room, takes the remote from Stewie's hand and changes the channel)**

**Stewie: (stunned) "What the hell...he-hey, dog...what do you think you're doing?!"**

**Brian: "Checking the TV Guide Channel."**

**Stewie: (in a voice of disbelief and anger) "Wha-uh-I don't believe-...D-did you not see me sitting here first? Did you NOT see me holding the remote first?!"**

**Brian: "Yeah, so what?"**

**Stewie: (angry) "Why, you dismal excuse for a quadruped! How dare you disregard my idiot box time? Give me that!"**

**(Stewie uses one hand to try to pull the remote control from Brian, but neither it - or Brian - budges)**

**Stewie: "Well then...I guess I have no choice but to concede to your strength."**

**(After 3 seconds of silence, Stewie jumps on Brian, trying to wriggle the remote from him, and saying things like "Give me that!" and Brian saying things like "He-hey, get off me" and "What are you, crazy?". Stewie and Brian both keep pulling on the remote to try to get it, then...)**

**Brian: "All right, all right, all right! Look, we're not getting anywhere with this; I'm sure we can agree on a channel."**

**Stewie: "Fine." (then under his breath to himself) "I never get what I want in this crap hovel anyway." (back to talking to Brian) "I say we turn it to CBS."**

**Brian: "No thanks, I just woke up from a nap. Hey, maybe UPN has something good."**

**(A second passes with Stewie staring at him, then Stewie hits him over the head with an overhand punch)**

**Brian: (rubbing his head) "You know, usually, I'd hit you back. Lucky for you, that one was justified."**

**Stewie: "Yes, quite. Hey, how about VH-1?"**

**Brian: "VH-1? Great. Yeah, I can never get enough 30-year-old D-list celebrities talking about Madonna, and Miami Vice, and how bad the jheri curl looked, and..."**

**Stewie: "All right, all right, all right, I get your point." (short pause) "They really DO need to leave the 80's alone, though."**

**Brian: (scoffs) "No kidding."**

**(OPENING CREDITS)**

**(Outside shot of the Griffins' house)**

**(Stewie and Brian are sitting on the living room couch, watching TV)**

(Scene change to Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons, standing in a kitchen with a chef)

Diane: "Welcome back! We're live and baking with world-famous chef Adrian LaRue, who just 2 days ago signed a 3-year contract for his own cooking show..."

(An oven timer dings)

Adrian: "Oh! I think someone's chocolate-chip muffins are ready!"

Tom: "Really? All right! Take 'em out, take 'em out!"

(Adrian takes out the muffin pan filled with hot, fresh-baked muffins)

Tom: "Oh, wow, look at them, they came out perfect!" (Takes one out on a napkin and hands it to Diane) "Here, Diane, try one."

Diane: (pushes it away) "Uh, no thanks, Tom. I'm really not a big muffin fan."

Tom: "Aw, c'mon, just one little bite?"

Diane: "No, Tom, really, I'll pass."

Tom: (a little annoyed) "What are you, anorexic or something? C'mon!" (to the camera/viewer) "I think I know how to get her to eat it."

(Scene switch to Tom and Diane in a room, both kneeling face-to-face on a large rug)

Tom: "Would you eat it on a rug?" (Tom takes out a crack pipe) "Would you eat it while on drugs?"

Diane: "I would not eat it on a rug, I would not eat it while on drugs."

(Scene switch to Tom and Diane in a classroom full of children)

Tom: "Would you eat it in a class?"

(Tom loosens his pants and pulls it down with his underwear to expose his butt. Then he puts the muffin on one of his butt cheeks)

Tom: "Would y-would you eat it off my ass?" (He says this like he's really hoping she'll do it)

(Diane backs away slightly with a look of disgust on her face)

**Brian: "Boy, you can never go wrong with the news."**

**Stewie: "Oh, I'll say."**

**(Lois comes out of the kitchen)**

**Lois: (shouting) "Everybody, come to the living room! I have great news!"**

**Stewie: "You found a lump in both breasts?" (then he shuts his eyes and crosses his fingers in hope) "Oh, come on, malignant!"**

**(Meg and Chris come down the stairs. Peter comes in from outside)**

**Lois: "I just talked to one of my best friends from high school on the phone. We were talking about maybe seeing each other again, and she asked me to bring everyone on a 3-day trip to Miami, free of charge! She's gonna pay for everything!"**

**(Everyone else make exclamations of excitement, you know, like Peter says "All right!", "Freakin' sweet!", etc.)**

**Meg: "Wait. After all these years, she's just giving you and all of us a round trip to Miami, just for you two to meet in person? I don't get it."**

**Lois: "Well, we were really close, Meg. Sylvia was kind of a nerdy girl back then, and I was one of the few friends she had. Also, there was that one incident during assembly, when everyone found out she couldn't sit in a hard, plastic chair for too long without sweatin' through her ass. I helped her get through that, too. Now that's she's a rich, successful doctor, I think it's the least she could do; after all, pity friendships take a lot of effort."**

**Chris: "Wow, Miami, the city of brotherly love! I can't wait!"**

**Brian: (feigned happiness) "Gee, that...that's great, Lois. I hope you guys have a great time."**

**Lois: "Actually, Brian, you're coming with us."**

**Brian: (real happiness) "Really? Well, that's just great!"**

**Peter: "I don't know, Lois. Maybe we should leave Brian home. It's good to have a dog home while you're out, you know, in case of burglars."**

(Scene change to Brian resting near a window in the living room. The Hamburglar (of McDonalds' fame) breaks the window from outside and goes through it to the inside with a bag. Brian sees him and tries to scare him off...)

Brian: (In his same voice, with little enthusiasm) "Ru-ru-ru-ru-ru-ru-roof! Roof! Roof!"

Hamburglar: (laughs at Brian) "Some guard dog!"

Brian: "I guess it's time for plan B."

(Brian pulls out a gun and shoots him, he falls down quick (Nothing too graphic; it's just like that scene in the episode with Peter's father retiring, where President Lincoln shot Isaac from 'Love Boat'). Brian then drags his body out of the scene, as if he's going to bury him)

**(Scene change to the next day, the Griffins are packing and getting ready to leave. Inside Peter and Lois' room...)**

**Lois: "Peter, could you carry the bags down to the car for me? Oh, and when you get down there, put Stewie in the car, too, okay?"**

**Peter: "Sure."**

**(Peter tries to grab all the bags' handles at once)**

**Lois: "Peter, you can't lift all that luggage downstairs at the same time. They're too heavy. You're not strong enough."**

**Peter: "Oh yeah? I was strong enough to beat RoboCop."**

(Scene change to RoboCop beating up a bunch of criminals in an alleyway. Some fight him hand-to-hand, others shoot at him, all fail to do any damage to him. One criminal fires a rocket at his chest, but after it hits him, it doesn't even leave a mark. RoboCop runs after the rocket-shooter and beats him up. Then Peter walks up behind him; he turns around quickly, sees Peter, and is about to punch him. But Peter hits him in the face first the only part where his flesh is exposed and he falls down hard, then starts crying and running away like a 7-year-old boy bullied in a schoolyard)

Peter: (to the other guys) "His face is right there! Perfectly exposed! I mean, even I couldn't miss that." (walks away, mutters under his breath) "Freakin' dumbasses..."

**Lois: "Just be careful, okay?"**

**(Peter drags the bags to the top of the stairs)**

**Peter: "Geez, Lois, I'm just carrying heavy bags downstairs. What could happen?"**

**(Peter carries the luggage down he struggles a bit. Then the view zooms in on a stray toy ball in the middle of the stairs, with ominous music playing. But Peter walks past it and the music stops. He gets to the bottom of the steps, puts the luggage down and says)**

**Peter: (in an I-told-you-so voice to Lois upstairs) "See? Nothing happened." (3 seconds pass with him standing, arms folded in proud vindication. NOTE: Just in case you don't get this scene, it's supposed to be ironic and unexpected, since everyone is used to Peter being physically hurt. If you don't think it's good, then just imagine him falling down the stairs in a funny way, then have him get back up and brush himself off or something, then continue here)**

**(Back upstairs in Peter and Lois' room, Chris enters)**

**Chris: "Hey, mom, I'm done packing all my stuff."**

**Lois: "That's good. Chris. You can put your bags in the car."**

**(Chris leaves the room)**

**Lois: (shouting so Meg can hear from her room) "Meg, hurry up, we're almost ready to go!"**

**Peter: "Yeah, you better hurry up and get down here, Meg. You don't want to piss off your mother. Trust me."**

(Scene change to Peter listening to a CD player with headphones, and singing along to 'Livin' On A Prayer' by Bon Jovi, or you can substitute that 'Shout It Out Loud' song by KISS or something, but I think 'Livin' On A Prayer' works better here)

Peter: "Ooooooohhhh, we're halfway there...OOOOOOOO-OOOOOOHHH!"

(Lois walks in the scene)

Lois: "Peter, please!"

Peter: "LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!"

Lois: "PETER! Would you PLEASE stop singing?

Peter: "And why should I?"

Lois: "Because, you sound like William Hung if he was a dying cat!"

Peter: (sarcastic) "Oh, really? Y-you know what, Lois? You're right. My voice stinks. As a matter of fact, I wish I had your beautiful voice...h-how does it sound again?...Oh-oh yeah..." (exaggerating Lois' nasal voice) "Peeeee-daaaa! (regular voice) Huh? That-that's how you say my name, right?" (exaggerating Lois' nasal voice) "Peeeee-daaaa!" (regular voice) Boy, that-that's so angelic, I could listen to it all day long." (exaggerating Lois' nasal voice) "Peeeee-daaaa!...Peeeee-daaaa!...Peeeee-daaaa!...Pee..."

(Lois punches him hard and he falls down)

**(Scene change back to Peter, who sees Stewie walking past him towards the kitchen)**

**Peter: "Hey, there you are, Stewie!"**

**(Peter grabs onto Stewie, about to lift him up)**

**Stewie: "What? Wait, I was about to get..."**

**Peter: (lifting Stewie up) "Upsy-daisy!"**

**(Peter begins to carry him outside)**

**Stewie: "Wait! Put me down, you corpulent hog! I have to get something! Release me, I say!"**

**(Peter carries Stewie out to the car, who's still protesting. Peter sits him down and secures him in one of those baby car seats)**

**Peter: "Okay, you stay right there, Stewie, while daddy tries to get a pre-vacation quickie with mommy."**

**(Peter goes inside. For a few seconds, Stewie just sits there, seething. Then he says)**

**Stewie: "Screw this. I'm getting that Capri Sun."**

**(Stewie gets out of the car and walks up to the front door, just as Chris is walking out with his bags)**

**Chris: "Hey, dude."**

**Stewie: (sarcastically) "Hey, lummox."**

**(Chris goes inside the car, and Stewie walks into the kitchen. Nobody sees him)**

**Stewie: (digging through the bottom crisper drawer of the fridge) "C'mon, c'mon, where's that damned silver juice box?"**

**(Scene change to about a minute later. Peter and Lois go out the front door, and Peter locks it. Meg, Chris, and Brian are already in the car. Peter and Lois then go in the car themselves)**

**Lois: "All right, is everybody ready?"**

**(Everyone says 'yeah')**

**Peter: "Good, 'cause the Griffins are going to Miami!"**

**Chris: "Yeah, Miami, the land of the rising sun!"**

**(The car pulls out of the driveway, then drives off. A few seconds later, Stewie comes out of the front door with a Capri Sun in hand to go back into his seat in the car, but he doesn't see it)**

**Stewie: "Mmm. Apparently, someone stole their car...well, not my problem."**

**(Stewie goes back inside and closes the door. After a few seconds, he comes back out)**

**Stewie: (shocked) "They...they left without me!...Unbelievable! I-inconceivable! I..." (then he gets angry) "Ugh, those scatterbrained idiots!" (at this point, he does the walk-around-with-hand-gestures thing) "I-I-I mean, really, how stupid can this so-called family get? Leaving the baby! Not forgetting the dog, but the baby? - y-you know, it's moments like this that really let you know where you stand in life...I mean that's it! I'm screwed! I..." (then he realizes something good about the situation) "...wait just a cherry-popping minute!"**

(Scene change to Stewie's thought bubble. In it, Stewie answers a door. In front of him is a man wearing a white body suit that says 'Opportunity' all over it. The man just stares at him plainly)

Stewie: "Well, it's about damn time!"

(The guy walks in through the doorway, then Stewie looks around outside to make sure nobody's looking, then shuts the door)

**(Scene change back to Stewie)**

**Stewie: "I'm alone. I'm alone! I have the house all to myself!...Yes! No longer surrounded by bothersome twits! Finally! Hallelujah, praise the Lord!...Let's see, now, what do regular joes do when they're home alone?"**

**(Scene change to the empty living room. 'Old-Time Rock 'n' Roll' by Bob Seger plays. Stewie starts to do the famous Tom-Cruise-Risky-Business scene, but stops after the slide-in part, turns around to face the viewer and says...)**

**Stewie: "Ugh, this scene has been done to death. I know...I'll do something different."**

**(He walks out of view to stop the song on the stereo. Then 'New Sensation' by INXS plays from the beginning. He re-does the 'Risky Business' scene again with the slide-in, puts on sunglasses, turns around, then dances towards a window. As soon as Michael Hutchence starts singing, Stewie opens the window all at once, which lets in lots of sunlight and wind which creates a wind effect on him when he dances around in front of it.)**

**(FIRST SET OF COMMERCIALS)**

**(Scene to the Griffins parking in an airport's parking lot. Peter and Lois step out of the car)**

**Lois: "All right, everyone, we're here, get your stuff. Meg, give me Stewie."**

**Meg: (coming out of the car) "What? I thought you had him."**

**Lois: "What do you mean, you thought I had him? He's sitting in the back...isn't he?"**

**Meg: "No."**

**(Lois opens her eyes wide, then looks through the inside of the car. Then when she realizes he's gone, she sticks her head up, gasps, then shouts)**

**Lois: "STEWIE!" (starts to hyperventilate) "Oh my God...Oh my God, we left Stewie home alone!" (then angrily) "Peter, I thought I told you to put Stewie in his seat!"**

**Peter: "I-I did! I thought he was sleepin' in the back with you two!" (looking at Meg and Chris)**

**Meg: "I thought mom was holding him in her lap, in the front!"**

**Lois: "Oh my God! Th-this doesn't make any sense! How could we all not notice a young CHILD missing for so long?"**

**Peter: "Look-look, Lois, all I know is this whole situation reminds me of a hit movie. And if it's in a hit movie, then it ALWAYS make sense. Check and mate." (short pause) "What was the name of that movie again?"**

**(Lois growls in frustration)**

**Chris: "Actually, mom, I saw Stewie leave the car and go back in the house."**

**Lois: "What! Chris, you saw Stewie go in the house and you didn't carry him back to the car? You didn't even say anything this whole time?! You couldn't be that stupid!"**

**(Chris stares at her for 2 seconds, then sticks his hand out to her)**

**Chris: "I see we haven't met. Hi, I'm Chris Griffin, first son of Peter Griffin."**

**Brian: (gives a short laugh) "Hah! He got you there, Lois."**

**(Here, a snap is heard, like a large piece of wood breaking, then a faint-but-slowly-growing scream from a man can be heard)**

**Lois: "We have to go back and get Stewie now! Everybody back in th..."**

**(Just then, the top of a powerline pole falls onto the top of the car, smashing it nearly in half. On the top of the pole, still hanging on, is a near-obese powerline worker who lands on top of the car with the pole, but doesn't actually smash through it like the pole, so he isn't hurt too bad. The worker struggles to get up, then says)**

**Worker: "Whoops, sorry. Guess I was too heavy for the pole. Boy, that's bad luck, huh?"**

**Lois: "Our car!"**

**Worker: "Don't worry, lady, it was an on-the-job accident. The airport'll pay for the damages to your car...I think."**

**(The worker walks away)**

**Lois: "Okay...okay, we'll just have to call a taxi or something."**

**Brian: "We can't. Every single taxi and bus driver in Quahog's been on strike for a week, remember? Some crap about wanting vehicles where you can drive from the back seat, so nobody can shoot them from behind."**

**(At this point, a man and a woman are seen walking past the Griffins)**

**Lois: "I don't believe this! How are we supposed to get home now?"**

**(The man and woman stop)**

**Jake: "Excuse me. I couldn't help but overhear your plight."**

**Brian: "Wow. I guess white people really ARE nosy as hell."**

**Jake: "My name is Jake, and this is my wife, Mindy."**

**Mindy: "Hello."**

**Jake: "If you don't mind, my wife and I can give you a ride to your home in our RV." (he thumbs back to it, it's parked about 40 feet away)**

**Lois: "Really? Oh...oh, thank you so much! Oh, you people are saints!"**

**Jake: "Not really, but we're sure aiming that way!"**

**(Jake and Mindy laugh)**

**Peter: (happily) "All right! Meg, Chris, get our stuff out of the piece of junk that used to be our car." (Lois starts walking towards the main part of the airport, and Peter notices) "Hey, Lois, where are you going?"**

**Lois: "I'll be right back. I'm gonna look for a phone, so I can call Bonnie and tell her to look after Stewie until we get home."**

**(Scene change to an outside shot of the Griffins' house)**

**(Scene switch to Stewie walking to the living room couch and climbing up to the seat)**

**Stewie: "At last! With that domineering mongrel out of the way, I'm free to view whatever I please! Oh, let the good times roll!"**

**(Stewie turns on the TV)**

(An episode of 'Golden Girls' shows. Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, & Sophia are standing in their living room)

Blanche: (To Sophia) "You're old."

(audience laughter)

Rose: (To Dorothy) "You're ugly."

(louder audience laughter)

Dorothy: (To Rose) "You're stupid."

(even louder audience laughter)

Sophia: (To Blanche) "You're a slut!"

(loudest audience laughter with applause at the end)

**(Scene back to Stewie with a bored look on his face, changing the channel)**

(An unspecified red carpet event shows)

A reporter: "And here comes Jennifer Lopez..."

(J-Lo comes out of the limo and walks down the red carpet, in a nice dress. Then all of a sudden, a security guard goes up to her and says)

Security guard: "Sorry, ma'am, A-listers only."

J-Lo: (while being dragged off) "No...no, wait!"

(He takes her away, but her butt separates from her body during this, and is left floating in midair a piece of her dress rips off and keeps it covered. After she's taken away, her butt continues floating down the red carpet, taking pictures and getting praises from paparazzi.)

**(Scene back to Stewie with a bored look on his face, changing the channel)**

(An episode of 'Maury' shows. This scene starts with a baby cartoon girl mouse that has Minnie Mouse's features but has duck feet, a duck bill, and is wearing a 'Donald Duck' hat, being shown backstage. The audience goes 'Awww', but soon after, the main stage is then shown with...)

Mickey Mouse: "That is NOT my child, that's YOUR child!"

Minnie Mouse: "That's YOUR baby! Look at her! How could you deny her! She even has your ears!"

(audience reaction, mostly in support of Minnie)

Mickey: "Those are your ears, not mine!"

Maury: (calming them down) "All right...all right." (He lifts up an envelope) "Well, I have the results right here, and we're all about to find out."

(audience applause, then Maury opens the envelope and reads it)

Maury: "When it comes to 5-month-old Donnola, Mickey...you are NOT the father!"

(Huge audience reaction burst of screams, 'Ohhhh!'s, and various audience commotion. Mickey jumps up and down wide-eyed and shouting, Minnie breaks down in tears and runs backstage, and Maury follows her to console her. Mickey runs across the audience's front row and does 'double-handed audience tags' (like how basketball players do after making a basket, they run past their benched teammates and do those sideways tags to their hands...you know what I mean), then he does a little hip-hop dance)

**(Scene back to Stewie with a bored look on his face, turning the TV off)**

**Stewie: "Well, that got boring fast." (sighs) "Let's see now, what else is there I can do?" (short pause) "I guess I can always have one of my sexy parties...no! No...I have a better idea!"**

**(Stewie goes to the phone and dials a number)**

**Stewie: (trying to sound cool) "Katie, baby! How are you?" (listens to Katie talk) "Mmm, so what are you doing now?" (listens to Katie talk) "I see, well, as soon as your mother gives you that new diaper, why don't you swing on over to my place?"**

**(Scene change to Lois using a phone in the airport)**

**Lois: (talking to herself in frustration) "Oh, I can't get Bonnie OR Cleveland!" (She just gets an idea) "Glen!"**

**(Lois dials on the phone)**

**(Scene switch to Quagmire's house. Quagmire comes out naked (shown from the waist up, of course) and putting on a robe. He picks up his ringing phone)**

**Quagmire: "Hello?"**

**Lois: "Oh, good. Glen, it's Lois. Listen to me, I really need you right now. "**

**Quagmire: (his eyes looking around in confusion, like he didn't hear her right) "...What?"**

**Lois: "I'm with Peter and the kids at the Quahog Airport. We were supposed to go to Florida..."**

**Quagmire: (trying to focus on what she's saying, despite being happy that she called him) "Uhh...yeah, yeah, I know. Peter told me."**

**Lois: "Yeah, but when we left home, we accidentally left Stewie all by himself!"**

**Quagmire: (actually concerned) "What, the baby? Well, how'd that happen?!"**

**Lois: "Don't ask. Look, Glen, please, just go over there and make sure Stewie's safe until we get back there. We shouldn't be too long."**

**Quagmire: "Well, wait, how do I get inside? You did lock the place up, right?"**

**Lois: "Oh, yeah...well, just go through one of the windows in the back or something, I don't care. Just make sure Stewie's okay!"**

**Quagmire: "Well, I'd better get over there right now!"**

**(Quagmire hangs up the phone, then makes as if he's going out. Then he stops and slowly smiles while he remembers Lois saying 'I really need you right now'. It repeats in his head 3 times)**

**Quagmire: "Heh, the kid can wait five more minutes. I'd better get started while it's still fresh in my mind! Heh, heh, allll riiiight."**

**(He takes off his robe, then walks out of the scene's shot to his room)**

**(Scene change to Peter, Meg, Chris, Brian, and the couple, Jake and Mindy. They're all standing by the couples' RV, waiting for Lois, who is running towards them)**

**Chris: (looking at Lois) "Hey, there's mom now!"**

**Lois: (slightly out of breath from running) "Sorry I took so long."**

**Jake: "All right, well, is everybody ready to go?"**

**(Everyone says their own version of 'yeah', then they start going inside. Lois then notices 3 bumper stickers on the RV; she looks at them in this order: 'WWJD', 'God is our navigator', and 'Queer has no place here'. Then she says)**

**Lois: (To herself) "Uh-oh."**

**(She turns to Peter)**

**Lois: (To Peter) "Now, Peter, look. These people are Christians, THE nicest people in the world. I want you to be on your best behavior."**

**Peter: "Oh, don't worry, Lois, I know how to act like a Christian. One time, I even laughed at a joke I heard from Bob Saget."**

(Scene change to a small club; Bob Saget's on the club's small stage doing his comedy)

Bob Saget: (to the audience) "Hey, what's two plus two?"

(Shot of the audience, including Peter, bored)

Bob Saget: "Four." (then chuckles, then sees nobody laughing, then his smile fades to an embarrassed frown)

(Peter looks around and notices that nobody else is laughing. He then tries to think of a way to make Bob feel better. Then he bursts out laughing as if he just heard the funniest joke ever this includes him banging his fist on the table, falling out of his chair, holding his side, and wiping tears from his eyes. This goes on for 10 seconds until this scene ends)

**(Everyone gets inside the RV, the Griffins look around it)**

**Jake: "So, what do you think of our interior?"**

**Lois: "Oh, it's really nice!"**

**Meg: "Very cozy."**

**Peter: (fumbling to say something Christian-like) "Er-ah-yeah, it looks really good, uh, so good that it would make God happy...after all, like it says in the Bible, 'Thou shalt keep thine earthly possessions from...looking like...crap'."**

**Jake: "Really? Where does it say that in the Bible?"**

**Peter: (Looks around, trying to think of an answer) "F-Fallopians, Chapter 3, verse...W."**

**(Scene change to an outside shot of the Griffins' house)**

**(Scene switch to Stewie in the living room, He hears a knock on the door, then a girl saying, "Stewie!". He opens the front door)**

**Katie: "Hi, Stewie!"**

**Stewie: "Katie! Come in, come in, make yourself at home."**

**(She enters)**

**Stewie: (eyeing her) "I must say, you're looking quite lovely today."**

**Katie: (as if she didn't hear him) "I'm kinda hungry. You got somethin' to eat?"**

**Stewie: "Oh, well yes, come, follow me into the kitchen." (walks toward the kitchen, she follows him) "If you're interested, I can make my own special version of Monte Cristo canapes. I've heard they're so delectable, it'll give you a high better than any experienced by Whitney Houston."**

**Katie: (laughs) "Oh, Stewie, you're so funny."**

**Stewie: "Oh, you think I'm funny now, you should have seen me a couple of weeks ago."**

(Scene change to Stewie doing stand-up on BET's 'Comic View'. For his entire bit, he speaks like he's a guy from the 'hood, but he still uses his own voice (kinda like he did in that episode when Lois learned martial arts, in the scene where Stewie was playing basketball). Start with the audience laughing, then continue into...)

Stewie: "Yeah, yeah, we might be better in the swimming pool, but you know the one place black people always got us beat? No, not the bed, no..."

(audience laughs)

Stewie: "...the dance floor!"

(audience laughs hard & hollers, with scattered applause)

Stewie: "Yeah...yeah, don't let Justin Timberlake fool you, white people be doin' some freaky-ass stuff on the dance floor."

(audience laughs)

Stewie: "See, when a black dude hear his song playin', you know it usually be some hip-hop flavor in there, he start poppin' and lockin' like he a backup dancer for Usher or somethin', right?"

(audience laughs)

Stewie: "But you put a WHITE dude on the dance floor..." (audience laughs harder) "and his SONG start playin'? WHAT?!" (audience laughs) "He gon' make SURE...he stand out from E'RYBODY else!" (audience laughs) "He be jus' like dis..."

(Then every light in the whole room darkens, except for a bright spotlight on Stewie. Then soft, slow, sparkly keyboard music starts playing, like a part in the beginning of an inspirational Mariah Carey song. As soon as the music starts, Stewie drops the microphone and stares up and ahead, wide-eyed and dropped jaw, with his legs spread and his arms sticking out slightly, as if both the music and the spotlight are giving him power. At this point, some people in the audience laugh really hard, and some claps are heard. Then after a while, Stewie moves around like he's ready to bust a move, but he isn't quite there yet. Soon, percussion kicks in the music, making it sound more like a pop-dance song. As soon as that happens, Stewie dances around the stage with a style that's a cross between Michael Jackson and some nerdy, lanky white guy. He does a few outrageous moves, and the audience loves every second of it. After some dancing, he stops, picks up the microphone and says...)

Stewie: "My name's Stewie, peace!"

(The whole audience gives him a standing ovation as he leaves the stage)

**(SECOND SET OF COMMERCIALS)**

**(Scene change to Jake & Mindy's RV, being driven down a road by Jake)**

**Mindy: "So, Lois, not to be a nosy Nancy, but why is your family in such a rush to go home?"**

**Lois: (sighs) "Well, it's kind of embarrassing. See, we were supposed to be on our way to Florida to visit an old friend, but we left one of our children back home - Stewie."**

**Mindy: (gasps) "Oh, my!"**

**Peter: (with no real concern) "Yeah. Hey, you guys have anything to eat around here, like hot dogs or something?"**

**Jake: "Well, I have a Granola bar if you're interested."**

**Peter: "A Granola bar? Who the hell eats those? They taste like cardboard and boogers." (smiles, then he does his heh-heh-heh-heh laugh and repeats) "Boogers."**

**Lois: (in a whispered, angry voice) "Peter!"**

**Mindy: "Don't worry, Lois. I'm sure our good Lord is looking after your Stewie, and he's fine."**

**Peter: "Yeah, and you're forgetting he's just like his old man. And I'll have you know that even at his age, I was very safe and responsible."**

(Scene change to back when Peter was a little older than Stewie's age. Peter and his mother are in the kitchen. Peter's sitting on the floor, playing with a toy, and his mother is slicing lemons in half with a sharp knife. She leaves to get something, and carelessly puts down the knife close to the edge of the counter she was cutting on (the knife handle hangs off the edge). After she's gone, Peter goes towards the knife, reaches/jumps up for it, gets it and says...)

Peter: "Mmmmm...candy!"

(Peter begins to put the knife in his mouth to eat it)

**(Scene change back to Lois)**

**Lois: (worried) "Oh, If anything happened to Stewie, I'd just never forgive myself! Oh, my poor baby!"**

**(Scene change to the living room of the Griffin's house, which is dark all the windows are closed, every light in the house is off, except for light filtering through an open window. Stewie's standing next to a stereo system under the window, pressing 'Play' to start a CD. 'Casanova' by Gerald Levert plays. Stewie looks at Katie, who's standing 6 feet away; the light's on her, too. They're both dancing and bopping their heads softly to the song's beat. Katie stands in one place, but Stewie slowly starts dancing towards her as soon as Gerald Levert first starts singing 'oh-ohhh-oh'. Stewie eventually dances behind her and she raises her arms up, allowing him to wrap his arms around her waist, at which she then rests her arms on his (all of this is similar to Stefan from 'Family Matters', whenever he dances with Laura). Right after this, at the part where Gerald sings "I ain't much on Casanova", Stewie and Katie rock slowly side-to-side with the song's beat, not so much erotically, but in a 'we're with each other' kind of way. Right after Gerald sings "Me and Romeo ain't never been friends", Stewie and Katie hear a window break)**

**Katie: "What was that?"**

**Stewie: (shocked) "Intruders!" (then angrily) "Ohhh, it's go time!" (to Katie) "Beat it, toots!"**

**(Stewie turns off the stereo, then rushes Katie out the front door, and locks it. Then he goes to the back and peeks to see who broke through the window. He sees Quagmire climbing through it)**

**Stewie: "Ugh. It's the neighboring pervert! How dare he B & E's my quarters?"**

**(Stewie goes to a drawer. Then Quagmire gets through the window he takes a while because of the broken glass and calls out)**

**Quagmire: (calls) "Hey, Stewie! Stewie!"**

**Stewie: "Well, well." (Stewie walks out with both hands behind his back) "First of all, allow me to commend you on having the grapefruits to break into my house."**

**Quagmire: "Hey, there you are, safe and sound! Heh, heh, Allll riiiight. Now come on, come to uncle Quaggy!"**

**Stewie: "Shut up! What business have you here?"**

**Quagmire: "Your mom called me. She said she and your dad'll be here for you soon, but I gotta make sure you're okay until they come!"**

**(Stewie just stares at him angrily)**

**Quagmire: (looks around nervously) "I, uh, I got some candy in my pocket for you! Yeah...yeah, that's what you kids like, right?"**

**(Stewie has a shocked expression on his face, then an angry one)**

**Stewie: "So...that's your game, is it? Well, your overactive sex drive" (pulls out a laser machine gun here, and raises his voice) "SHALL BE THE DEATH OF YOU!"**

**Quagmire: "Hey, what the..."**

**(Stewie shoots at him with rapid-fire shots, Quagmire dodging every one just barely. They do this from the kitchen to the living room)**

**Quagmire: (on the ground, panting, then he angrily says) "Aw, man! If I didn't want kids before..."**

**(Stewie continues shooting and Quagmire keeps dodging while he runs toward Stewie. He gets to Stewie and takes away his gun, tosses it aside, and picks Stewie up)**

**Quagmire: "All right, c'mon kid, you can play with your little destructive toy later..."**

**(Stewie slips out of his clothes and drops down free (like he did on that episode with the missing golden clam trophy), he runs away, then stops, turns around and says)**

**Stewie: "NEVER! You'll NEVER take me alive!"**

**(Stewie runs back into the kitchen)**

**Quagmire: (a little stressed) "Aw, geez..."**

**(Quagmire runs into the kitchen after Stewie, only to have the dining room table thrown and slammed onto him courtesy of another Stewie gadget; a mechanical, spring-loaded throwing device)**

**Stewie: "Yes!" (while saying this, he makes a fist and pulls it down as if to say "All right!", then he runs away)**

**(Scene change to the Griffins and Jake & Mindy on the RV)**

**Jake: "So, Peter, Lois tells me that you work in a toy factory. What's it like?"**

**Peter: (without interest) "Eh, I don't know. Hey, you have any Snickers around, you know, like the ones with the Rice Krispies in them?"**

**Jake: (in a lowered voice to Mindy, a little annoyed) "What's with this guy? It's almost like he needs food just to think!"**

**Peter: (like an offended gentleman) "That, sir, is a ridiculous untruth. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to make use of your mini-sized bathroom."**

**(Peter goes into the small bathroom and up to the toilet. He raises the toilet lid, then just stares down at the toilet. Then a jingle similar to the 'Mentos' jingle starts. As soon as it starts, shots of Peter staring down at the toilet, and the toilet itself, switch back and forth, until the next part of the scene indicated below)**

**Jingle singers: "Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-waaaahhhhh..."**

**"When you're a stupid fat ass,**

**with nothing else to do,**

**take Mentos to refresh your mind;"**

**"This ad makes no sense,**

**it's confusing too,"**

**(Here, Peter takes out a pack of Mentos and eats one, then his eyes open wide as if he had an idea. He then lifts up the toilet seat, pulls down his pants and underwear, and sits on the toilet with a smile)**

**"but we don't care, we think it's fine!**

**Mentos is the mint of freshness,**

**Mentos helps you figure situations out!"**

**(Peter does a thumbs-up to the viewer/camera with Mentos in hand. At the same time, the Mentos logo and the words 'The Freshmaker' appear on screen, with a voice-over saying "Mentos. The freshmaker.")**

**(Scene change to Peter coming out of the bathroom)**

**Peter: "Man, talk about weird! Hey Jake, you ever went to the john to do a number two, but as soon as you sit down, you find out you only had to fart?"**

**Lois: (laughing nervously to Jake) "Peter, please..." (then whispering to Peter angrily) "...shut up!"**

**Peter: "Aw, c'mon, Lois, you know I always make small talk when I'm not busy doin' somethin'."**

**Lois: (seeing a Bible on a chair and picking it up) "Well, keep yourself busy! Read something!" (to Jake) "Would you mind if my husband borrowed your Bible to read for awhile?"**

**Jake: (sighs) "Of course not; you can borrow it if you wish."**

**Peter: (grabs the Bible) "Hey, sweet! Hey, maybe I'll get to find out why dinosaurs don't exist anymore."**

(Scene change to inside Noah's Ark, during the Earth's flood. Noah and one of his sons, Shem, are 'taking inventory' of all the animals, checking for one male and one female per animal)

Noah: (examining a small baby dinosaur) "Oh, nice going, Shem!"

Shem: "Whaddya mean, 'nice going'?"

Noah: "You got two male dinosaurs! Now they'll be extinct!"

Shem: "Well, excuse me for making ONE mistake! And what about Ham? He got 2 unicorns; a female and a gay male! They'll be extinct, too!"

Noah: "He has an excuse! Don't you know 85 percent of all male unicorns are gay? We would've gone through hell trying to find a straight one. Even God wasn't sure, I mean, look at them!" (camera zoom to 2 colorful unicorns)

**(Scene change to Stewie running up the stairs in the Griffins' house. He stops when he reaches the top and says)**

**Stewie: "C'mon, moron; what's taking you?"**

**(A dirty, weak, burned & scraped-up Quagmire runs into the living room)**

**Quagmire: (out loud) "Aw, c'mon, kid, where are you? You're killin' me here!"**

**(While running up to the bottom of the stairs to get Stewie, he slips on some toy cars, onto his back)**

**Quagmire: "Damn it!" (he gets back up) "If I didn't know any better, I'd say this kid really WAS tryin' to kill me!"**

**(Quagmire then sees Stewie with a crossbow-type weapon, except it has a spherical metal weight for ammo)**

**Stewie: "Right on the nose...or perhaps I should aim for a more southern region."**

**(A view of Stewie's aim lowering from Quagmire's face to his 'groin area', is shown. Quagmire realizes this and says)**

**Quagmire: "Uh-oh. No!"**

**(Stewie shoots down at Quagmire, who crouches down in an effort to cover his 'area'. But the metal weight still hits him on the chest, and he goes down. Quagmire drops to the ground in front of the lower part of the stairs. He holds on to his chest and grunts in pain, then says)**

**Quagmire: "I think I broke a rib! But at least...I can still do the wild thing. Heh, heh, Allll riiiight."**

**(He eventually looks up and realizes that a couch is hovering overhead on a pulley system, which Stewie has tied to something to hold it. He cuts the rope with a knife, and Quagmire screams for a second, then he interrupts his own scream by quickly saying to himself)**

**Quagmire: "Why am I wasting time screaming when I could be getting up out of harm's way - "**

**(Here, the couch drops on him)**

**Quagmire: (in pain, as soon as the couch hits him) "A-ohhhhhh, God! Ohh!"**

**(Stewie comes down the stairs towards Quagmire)**

**Stewie: (slowly and evilly) "And now to finish you off!"**

**(Quagmire looks up at him in fear)**

**(Scene change to the RV driving down a road)**

**(Scene switch to Brian walking towards Lois)**

**Brian: "Uh, Lois, I'm kinda worried about Peter. I think he's one 'crap-talk' away from getting us thrown outta here."**

**Lois: "Don't worry, Brian. We'll be home soon. I'm sure he'll be able to last for a while longer."**

**(Peter walks in the scene near Jake, with the Bible open)**

**Peter: "Huh. That's weird."**

**Jake: "What is?"**

**Peter: "Well, I was reading this Bible, and according to this, Adam and Eve were the first humans on Earth, right?"**

**Jake: "Yes."**

**Peter: "So, I mean, in order to populate the whole earth, that whole family had to be doin' each other, right? I-I didn't know God used to be okay with incest. I-I mean, not that I'd ever be."**

**(Everyone looks at him with dropped jaws and wide eyes, including Jake, who turns around to look at Peter)**

**(Scene change to the RV screeching to a stop, and Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, and Brian being thrown out, with their luggage. The RV drives away)**

**Brian: (rubbing his head and getting up) "Nice going, Peter. Thanks to your South Park logic, we're gonna have to walk the rest of the way, AND carry all this stuff, too! We're just lucky we're not too far away from home."**

**Lois: (disappointed) "Well, I can't say I'm surprised." (sighs) "Everybody grab something to carry."**

**Meg: (quickly, trying to avoid carrying anything) "Or-or, we could just make one person carry everything."**

**(Everybody looks at Chris except Peter, who looks at Lois. Then when he realizes everyone looking at Chris, he turns to Chris, too)**

**Chris: "Aw, man..."**

**(Scene change to the Griffins' house, show Stewie coming out of the basement and closing its door)**

**Stewie: (scoffs with a "hmph!") "That's the end of that." (smiles) "Now to really crank up the fun around here..." (gasps) "Wait a minute! Damn! The pervert said that the goonies would be back soon!" (then shouting up to the air) "Gazoo! Ga-ZOO! Hear me, I need your help!"**

**(Gazoo suddenly appears in mid-air)**

**Gazoo: (annoyed) "Yes, yes, what is it now, dum-dum?"**

**Stewie: "I wish for this entire house to be the way Lois left it. Pronto!"**

**Gazoo: (gives an annoyed sigh, then snaps his fingers) "Fine. It is done!"**

**(Show various rooms of the entire house go from destroyed to clean, then scene switch back to Stewie)**

**Stewie: (adding quickly) "...and for world domination!"**

**Gazoo: "Look, how many times do I have to tell you, dum-dum, I have certain ethics. I can't meddle in..."**

**Stewie: "All right, all right, all right! God. And you wonder why Marvin the Martian divorced you. Oh and I'll need you to do me one more favor..."**

**(Scene change to the front door from the inside, Lois, Peter, Brian, Meg, and Chris open the door and walk in Lois rushes in. Lois calls out...)**

**Lois: "Stewie! Stewie!"**

**(Chris drops down, dog-tired from carrying all the luggage. Then Stewie walks in the scene. Lois sees him and smiles at him. Stewie sees her and just stares with a plain look)**

**Lois: "Stewie!"**

**(Lois runs up to him, picks him up, and kisses him)**

**Peter: "See, Lois, he's fine. We missed out on Miami for nothing."**

**Lois: "Oh, Stewie, honey, I'm so sorry. Oh, I'll never leave you like that again, I promise!"**

**Stewie: "Oh, no no no, you thought I was in some sort of danger? Hah! Far from it. As a matter of fact, you and the other members of this wretched unit should work on making a habit of it."**

**Lois: "Hmm. I wonder why Glen didn't come for you?"**

**(Scene switch to the basement, where Quagmire is tied up and blindfolded, and on the ground face-down. Gazoo has a taser, and uses it to electrocute him, right on his butt. Quagmire lets out a tortured scream, then when Gazoo stops, he pants hard for a second or two, then happily says)**

**Quagmire: "Again!"**

**(Gazoo backs away slightly with a look of disgust on his face, and says "Eew.")**

**(ENDING CREDITS)**

**Family Guy, and all related characters and character names, are property of the FOX Broadcasting Company.**


End file.
